January 23, 2006

Olympic Report #1

I found my entry on the Olympic Knitting list of entrants, and... well, it was slightly heavy on the vowels. The Vampire read it out loud, and it was basically the soundtrack for a movie where someone climbs over the top of a mountain and discovers that the other side isn't *there*.

Eileee.... *n* (thud)

It was a significant indicator of my state of mind that I didn't find this amusing enough to mark with even a tiny, slightly hysterical giggle. I was too busy trying to find some magical escape from the Monstrous SpiderWeb of Doom that I've made for myself. What was I thinking?

I, personally, blame the acrylic. I've been breathing Natural Fibres for too long, and the change in atmospheric conditions caused by the Mutant Caterpillar has obviously inflicted some sort of knit-induced brain damage.

It's my own fault. I volunteered to participate in the Red Scarf Project in the first place, when I knew it required the use of non-natural fibres. This fact could probably be used in a court of law, in order to suggest that the brain damage had occurred prior to the advent of the Mutant Caterpillar, but I maintain that the impulse was born of lingering Holiday Spirit ("the Christmas Pudding Defense").

I suspect that the Tree was sending me subliminal messages.

The following is my proof that It Was the Acrylic What Done It:

1. I entered Michael's, a heavily Acrylic-laden atmosphere, in order to buy a skein of red acrylic yarn per the RSP instructions.

2. I left Michael's with a skein of red AND a skein of white. This was the first sign that something had already gone horribly wrong.

3. Knowing that time was limited, I decided that rather than searching through Michael's list of patterns for scarves, or any of the several pattern websites, or even through my many knitting books, I would try out a few different stitches, do some swatches, see if I could find something fun to do. I spent three of my limited RSP days busily swatching away, frogging and disposing of various clever but unusable plans.

4. Still knowing that time was limited, I decided that rather than follow a pattern or do something familiar (like cables, for instance), I would use this as an opportunity to learn something new. Mosaic knitting, that looked like fun. I found a stitch pattern I liked. Sure, it warped the material, and would have to be knitted at a double length so that it would have two 'right' sides, which means it would need stitching *and* blocking. I loathe stitching, and loathe blocking even more, but it was for a Good Cause, right? Sure.

5. Knowing that I had only one needle of the correct size, I decided that I would try knitting the scarf in the round *lengthwise*, even though I suspected that the needle I had was not actually long enough to hold the requisite number of stitches.

6. I cast on 500 stitches, knit two rows before realizing that I actually needed 525 stitches, frogged the entire thing, cast on 525 stitches, and knit 5 rows before I admitted that there was no way that I'd be able to knit the whole thing on a needle that short. Frogged the thing again, and decided to knit it width-wise.

7. It is the 23rd, I *might* get this done by the 27th, it's a million miles long and I think I'm going to stitch it up, wash it, and get it blocked and dried and delivered to the bagel shop in two days. I also think that the red is not going to bleed into the white and turn it into a faded red and blotchy pink scarf with which no self-respecting college student would walk into even a well-darkened auditorium.

8. While in this delusional state, I decided that I would join the Olympic Knitting event.

9. Even though I love the Winter Olympics, and watch the skating and skiing and sledding events with nearly religious fervor, I decided that I was going to make this the moment that I would try to do LACE.

10. Lace, which I have never done. Lace, which requires blocking. Lace, which requires absolute attention to detail and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should be attempted by an amateur who is simultaneously trying to count rotations in Michelle Kwan's triple salchow.

You see it, don't you? That I'm going down for the third time? That I shouldn't be allowed to cross the street by myself, let alone be allowed to set my own Knitting Agenda? Why did you let me do it?

You're in league with the tree, aren't you?

(excuse me, I'd better go outside and just breathe a little bit...)


Blogger Chris said...

Oh dear.

Me thinks an intervention might be required at Eileen's house...

5:06 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

Or some alcohol. I think you should get tipsy and THEN knit. So it might look like something fit for the SPECIAL Knitting Olympics. But at least you'll have overcome the hurdle. ;)

8:05 AM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Yeah, that's a great idea. Put back a coupla brewskis and then knit.

8:11 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

I can put back the brewskis, but I can't knit. I'm so ashamed.

9:21 AM  
Blogger mE said...

Chris~ I think it's too late for an intervention. I might need The Jacket.

Tink~ *snort*! Really, is it good for a person in mid-psychotic break to laugh this much, even in a heavily ironic manner? 'Special' Knitting Olympics, that's the place for me...

Katherine & Wordgirl~ You will have to knock back the brewskis for me. Someday I will blog the story about why I don't drink beer. As so often was the case, I was the victim of my Dad's cruel sense of humor - in this case, I think I am particularly pitiable, living in the Land of Microbrews and yet not able to enjoy a foamy pint. I don't know how I survive, really.

Look at that, the pixie is just rubbing it it - 'ggncjzx'.

Send Chocolate.

11:51 AM  
Blogger mrspao said...

Now come on, Eileen, concentrate. What did we tell you about snorting pine fresh bathroom cleaner? Just back away from the bottle now, nice and slow...

2:19 PM  
Anonymous Lady Blue said...

Light or dark chocolate? ;D

2:37 PM  
Blogger mE said...

Mrs. Pao~ I kid you not: every year I insist on a 'real' Christmas tree, and we go out and hunt down the perfect one (white pine, because it smells so wonderful), chop it down, take it home, decorate it, live with it for weeks on end, AND I'M ALLERGIC TO EVERGREENS. I don't mean a little allergic, either, I mean sniffling, sneezing, hives-on-the-hands sort of allergic.

It wouldn't be Christmas if I wasn't miserable...

But there's no way on earth I would EVER have a pine-fresh bathroom cleaner. So we're safe on that end of things, at least! :D

Lady Blue~ Nothing but the Hard Stuff for me. It ain't Real unless it's at least 75%!

9:10 PM  

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